Why self-love is not a nice to have, but a must have

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion — Dalai Lama

For me, self-love and self-compassion have always been difficult topics to wrap my head around. We know it's good for us, or at least we've heard that it can help alleviate stress, build stronger relationships, and enhance our resilience to challenges. Most of us understand how to be compassionate towards others, but how do you be compassionate and love OURSELVES?

By definition, self-love and self-compassion mean being warm and loving towards ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignore our pain or criticize ourselves.  In practice, when someone exhibits these traits, they are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings - after all, we are human and we are not perfect.

An example that resonates with me, is as follows - imagine if you had a child (and maybe you do!) and that child fell. Would you yell and scream and say things like "I can't believe you did that" or "You deserve it"? No! You'd pick up the crying child and say something like "It's okay! Don't be upset - it was an accident" and then you'd treat the child's wound. When practicing self-compassion, the idea is that you would speak to yourself like you would your own child when dealing with struggles. You wouldn't chastise and self-deprecate, but instead be understanding, empathetic, and encouraging. 

Many assume this means self-compassion and self-love mean letting yourself off the hook and making excuses, and many assume that when they self-criticize themselves it makes them more motivated. In reality, you make yourself less self-confident and lower your own self-esteem. Self kindness, on the other hand,  allow you to believe you can make those changes, and allow you to understand and accept your personal shortcomings allow you to see the areas you need to improve and you're actually able to take the steps to do so. As a result, you motivate yourself to do more because you really care about yourself.

Check out Kristin Neff's Ted Talk about self compassion to learn more!



Posted on January 22, 2016 and filed under Grow.